i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
Randomize
