Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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