You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Randomize
