When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
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