The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
Randomize
