the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
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