I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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