The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Randomize
