I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Randomize
