The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
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