You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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