Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
