My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Randomize
