ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I'm getting married
To pizza
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Randomize
