I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
