Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
