my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
Randomize
