Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Randomize
