yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
