my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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