He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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