I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
