I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
