Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Randomize
