I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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