Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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