my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
