When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Randomize
