can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
