im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
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