I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
You know, be my cock's hype man.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Randomize
