My friends, they love my intelligence
Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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