I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
