Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
This is my gift to your gina
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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