you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
