she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
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