he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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