No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
You made out with two different species that night
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Randomize
