On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
