OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
