I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
