Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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