Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
