something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
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