So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
