I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
