I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Randomize
