I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
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