we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
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