Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
